Twilight fan-fic: My Love Is Like Tomb

Scene: Kitchen

Edward is at the kitchen table, slouched over a mixing bowl inexplicably filled with a heaping pile of dog shit.
He uses a metal spatula to lift out one of the turds, collected fresh from the grounds of the Cullen Mansion.
They may be Jacob's....
Scowling, he examines a now crumbling chunk. A boll weevil crawls in and out. He shoves the loaf violently into his mouth.
"Mmmmmmm!!! Satisfaction!" He quickly assembles a choo-choo train of dung.
"All aboard! Woo-woo! Next station: My tummy!" Edward excitedly exclaims. "God. I hope there's more of this!"
Nom nom nom.

Bella, enveloped in a haze of weed smoke, is awoken by the cacophony downstairs.
She enters the kitchen, making her way the the refrigerator to first pour herself a glass of nutritious orange juice.
Hell, yeah! Orange juice.
She takes her seat across the table from Edward.
"Whatcha eatin'? Apple Jacks? You know, those things don't taste like apple..."
"Shut your damn mouth, Bill!" Screeched Edward, flinging a basket-full of decorative fruit at her head.
"Fuck...YOU!" He seethed. His shit-caked teeth clenched as he pointed his shaking, filthy finger angrily at her.
Bella melted. "What a man! I am soooo in love!!!"
"Ya better believe it!" Edward replied, pointing to the badge on his lapel that said "Mr. Fuckin' Romance".
Reluctantly, Edward decided to share his treasure trove of a breakfast.
"Here, stupid. Try some of these brownie bars. Somebody just left them lying around my house."
"Thanks!" Sung Bella.
Then the two love birds continued to munch on a reeking pile of shit for 3..wait 4?... more movies.
Glowy red eyes. Scowl. Bite lip. Baseball. 3D Movie maker. Abusive stalker guy. Mary Sue.
Yeah.

DA END.